Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Conall McDevitt argues the time has come for new thinking in the SDLP, just as he has been saying all through the reign of M/Ritchie

People up and down the Lisburn Road, and other lesser places, have been asking for almost three months now, “Where’s Wallie?” Well... heeeeere’s Wallie!!

Yes, I’m back putting pen to iPad2 to bring you some of the latest BREAKING NEWS and finest cerebral stimulation the local Twitterbloggosphere has to offer. However, unlike other lazy journalists who have abandoned the tried and trusted methods in favour of doing an Audiopoo into your ears, all my words will be firmly in the form of, um, words.

Today’s post de blóg is an exclusive interview I conducted with the SDLP’s Conall McDevitt. I’m glad to have landed such an exclusive, because Conall is notoriously shy and shuns all forms of media attention.

Mr McDevitt is aspiring to become the SDLP’s first party leader in almost two years.

I began by asking Conall why he thought he was the right man for the job. Palms open and fingers slightly apart to suggest openness and honesty, Conall said to me, “I think it’s time for Real Change. That’s me. I am Mr McChange, the changiest dude this side of the Island.”

Deftly punching a clenched –but not too tightly– fist to emphasise the point, he continued, “In this time of economic hardship, people all across the Twittersphere and the Facebooksphere are saying to me, ‘Conall, we really need reform of the institutions set up under the Good Friday Agreement, and partially modified under the St Andrews Agreement, and later tweaked at that weird Hillsborough Castle thing. How am I going to pay my bills, how are my children going to get jobs, unless we have reform of the political process and institutions, and an opposition in the Assembly, but still somehow with compulsory power sharing?’”

“That’s why I want to be SDLP leader Eamonn.”

Then I asked him, “What about the charge that you’re a whippersnapper and that you barely got elected on the 5th count in South Belfast, way behind Big Al?”

Reacting with a thumb placed across his index finger is a subtle but powerful gesture, he said, “As someone who has over a decade of experience in the quasi-private sector and worked for the SDLP, and later the SDLP, I think I represent a demographic that is basically everyone on this island.”

Leaning forward as if to suggest honesty, he continued, “You may call me a whippersnapper, but I have organised innumerable campaigns on Facebook that have touched countless lives. Through the power of Twibbons I have campaigned tirelessly for good things and against bad things. Let’s allow the public to decide if I am a whippersnapper or not (preferably through a Facebook poll of some sort).”

Finally, in my patented cheeky journalistic style I asked him, “What about the charge that you’re chancing your arm with this Real Change nonsense?”

Quietly shifting his hands into a steeple gesture to indicate that he was subtly in command here, he replied, “The time has come for new thinking in the SDLP. The sort of thinking we haven’t had at the top of the party recently. I begged Margaret Ritchie for new thinking for the last two years, but she didn’t do it. Not that she listened to me anyway. In fact, I never spoke to the woman, ever.”

Conall McDevitt, thank you very much indeed.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Eamonn's Addiction

I challenge convention, that’s what I do.

I challenged convention when I invented the local Twittersphere. People laughed, people mocked, but look at it now! More powerful and more popular than the Beatles and Jesus combined. In fact so powerful that even Martina Purdy has had to bow to its glory.

You're welcome.

So it was no surprise when I again challenged convention and bravely pointed out on the local Twittersphere that Open Champion Darren Clarke is an abomination. Claret Jugs and alcohol just don’t go together, never have and never will.

I think it is essential that I raise the subject of a growing blight on modern life:

  • Darren Clarke, Rory McIlroy and Graeme McDowell were all at it
  • Millions are addicted
  • Many depend on it to get through their day
  • Many think it helps them socialise
  • It is heavily promoted by celebrities and the media
  • Today’s youth indulge in it heavily

Yes, I am Eamonn Wallie, I am a Twitterholic.
     

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Thornton’s are deep in the brown stuff!

Like my fist through one of their Easter Eggs, the Thorton’s empire is crumbling.

Following a strategic look while walking past the store in Cornmarket, it is pretty obvious nobody wants their chocolate.

Like the price of their eggs after Easter, their share price is down. Maybe if I had bought mine at full price they wouldn’t be in this mess. Well don't blame me, Mrs Wallie insists on a bargain!

‘Refocusing’
The company says its goal is to refocus the business –on chocolate. This is a switch in strategy I’m sure anyone in a hole with a shovel can relate to.

Thornton’s seems to be hoping people will eat more chocolate. Yes, but eating too much chocolate will make you sick; sick to the point of regurgitation.

And nobody needs to see regurgitation... http://bit.ly/kuDYny

Saturday, 25 June 2011

FAO: Mary Kennedy & Friends/ Blacksmiths Festival Monaghan. ‘Back in Black’ by AC/DC.

Back in Black
by AC/DC

Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back
Yes I'm, let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging about
I keep looking at the sky
'Cause it's gettin' me high
Forget the herse 'cause I'll never die
I got nine lives
Cat's eyes
Usin' every one of them and running wild

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black

Back in the back
Of a Cadillac
Number one with a bullet, I'm a power pack
Yes, I'm in a bang
With a gang
They've got to catch me if they want me to hang
Cause I'm back on the track
And I'm leadin' the pack
Nobody's gonna get me on another rap
So look at me now
I'm just makin' my play
Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black

Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in black
Yes I'm back in black

Hooo yeah
Ohh yeah
Yes I am
Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah
Back in now
Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back
Back in black
Yes I'm back in black

Outta sight

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Why Jason Priestly is an embarrassment to the Civil Service

When the public don't seem to care about a news story, this is usually a sign that it is a very important news story. Like my Kate Middleton fashion news updates. Sometimes Joe Public just doesn't deserve the service I provide.

However, the fact that you are here on my website is a good sign that you value très bon journalism. The fact that my website is free puts that value at precisely £0, but let's not get caught up in the fine detail.

I have never met Jason Priestly, but my instincts told me he was trouble. Not that this was obvious from his childhood, since he grew up in a nice neighbourhood (90210 is basically the BT9 of America).

In the late 1990's he moved from Beverly Hills to a position with the folks on the hill. For those of you unaware of his recent troubles, let me recap:

- Jason Priestly is appointed Conor Murphy's chief pencil sharpener.
- After a tip-off that NI Water is crap, the Stormont Committee for Monitoring Hijinks get on the case.
- It emerges Jason Priestly has written a letter for a man saying that the Committee for Monitoring Hijinks are "big and smelly".
- His boss Conor Murphy decides he acted 'ultra vires', but not understanding what 'ultra vires' means, the Minister initiates an investigation to be conducted by Civil Service boss, Sir Bruce Forsyth.
- After this investigation was completed, I found out all the facts, but I didn't tell any of you lot.

However, now the findings have been made public, and it turns out that Jason Priestly has been so naughty that he has been demoted to a 2.4% less cushy role. This has made some people very upset, particularly those he callled "big and smelly".

The parallel in the private sector would be a PLC's janitor deliberately blocking all the toilets so that everyone ends up ankle deep in 'ultra vires'. He or she would not get time to clear their janitor cupboard. How do I know? I witnessed it with my own eyes – I was that janitor.

I think this whole affair has further to run, and rest assured I know many more facts and details about the case. But I won't be telling you lot.

Watch this space.

Monday, 30 May 2011

What have Amanda Holden, Eamonn Wallie and Pippa Middleton done for the Irish language?

While other journalists flosculate on the minutia of the Queen and Barack McBama visiting Ireland, I have been reflecting on more important matters. Into inkwells that others fear to dip their quills, I relish the opportunity to dip my mind and pour forth my unique insights for your delectation.

Before I continue, I know that many of you do not have the cerebral aptitude to process my theses, but that’s okay, there is a place for you to go, a place where simple folk can express themselves, and where irrelevant issues can be discussed at great length. That place is Mick Fawlty’s blog. So take yourself over to Tugger O’Tool if my compelling analysis is too challenging for you.

Still here? Merveilleux! Je vais continuer mes camarades!

I have never been accessed to Amanda Holden, but I have seen her on television, and this is enough to tell me she has done a lot for the Irish language. When she appears on television, millions of people must instantly rush to change the channel. Statistically some people must therefore switch over to TG4, in a rush to find something, anything, else to watch. Consequently Amanda Holden is directly responsible for more people experiencing the Irish language.

Go raibh maith agat Amanda.

Incidentally, while UTV has some fine programs , I feel it would benefit from replacing Britain’s Got Talent with Wallie’s Got Art, a show where a judging panel featuring Me, the Duchess of York, and Paul Clark judge local artists painting pictures of Marc Mallett’s magnificent hair.

Now back to the Irish language discussion, and the next person on my list, me. I have known myself for several years, and having invented the local Twittersphere I have contributed enormously not only to the Irish language, but to the wider political discourse.

I often felt I was being viewed as a sort of ‘subversive’, but a little credit has to go to my great mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi. During a heated debate in the Oxford Union, Obi challenged me to invent the local Twittersphere. So I did. Many mocked me. Many laughed. Who’s laughing now Martina Purdy?

And finally to Pippa Middleton, who I have never met, although I feel like I have. She has done nothing for the Irish language. However, she did look super hot in that bridesmaid dress. I would definitely give her 100,000 welcomes.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Did Margaret Ritchie make right choice in getting fewer seats in the Assembly instead of more? The arguments.

Rarely have I seen such an opportunity for gossip as the sight of the deputy leader of the SdlP Patsy Mc Glone at Stormont last week. As I milled around the Great Hall hoping Jim Allister would cause trouble, Mc Glone crawled out from under the stairs, blubbering wildly, with tears gushing down his face.

My well honed journalistic instincts drew me towards him, as I could sense that something just wasn’t quite right. I adjusted my distinguished spectacles to look him in the eyes. He seemed a broken man, but as his eyes met mine, I inspired an inner strength in him, and he spoke to me.

“Eamonn,” he said, for that is my name, “Eamonn, it’s bad news, it’s worse news than when you accidentally leave a window open and the lough shore flies get in the house.”

I put my iPad 2 into my satchel and wiped a tear from his cheek, “Go on Patsy, let it all out, tell your uncle Eamonn”.

“Eamonn, it’s bad news, we’ve come back after the election with less seats than we had before the election.”  I knew instantly at this point I had an exclusive on my hands, and I glanced around feverishly to ensure Purdy wasn’t lurking around, before letting him continue.

“I mean, Eamonn, I had all these plans, I had planned we would come back after the election with more seats than before the election, not less seats. I thought with more seats we would make things better, maybe overtake the Ulster Unionists, maybe get another seat on the Executive, maybe have a real impact on the bread and butter issues. I honestly thought more seats was a good idea – but Margaret said no.”

“Margaret said that this was a Big Al policy, not one of hers, and she was in charge now. She said fewer seats was what she wanted.”

I looked at Mc Glone with both intrigue and sympathy. As I mused over this shift in policy, it became obvious I had helped him remove a great weight from his shoulders.

After a brief pause he spoke again, “And to be fair to her, she executed her plan very well.”

Drying his eyes, he said to me again, “Eamonn,” his spirits now uplifted after speaking to me, like a child getting an ice-cream after falling off a bike, “Eamonn, you’ll keep this to yourself won’t you?”

I gave him a peck on the forehead, ruffled his hair, and promised him I would.

I adjusted my secret recording microphone pensively as he skipped away from me down the corridor. I can only presume Miss Ritchie if she is honest with herself will deploy focus groups to test this novel policy in da cmoonty... and I’m sure she will find someone very trustworthy do so.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

How would Jesus's apostles differ from Peter Robinson's DUP apostles if Jesus had to use d'Hondt?

This of course is a daft question. But not daft enough to stop me from answering it in considerable length.

The proposition is however wrong in its first assumption, Peter Robinson is not Jesus, that’s Ian Paisley. Peter is St Peter, taking over from Jesus. However since St Peter was the first Pope this new hypothesis now raises an important question: is the Pope catholic?

I will choose to ignore this substantial contradiction in my argument and move on to Jesus and d’Hondt ministers...

First choice, EASY! HEALTH! Jesus would not have been a massive scared chicken. Apart from that, his priorities were quiet clear – healing the sick was his modus operandi. He had more heals than Martina Anderson’s wardrobe. The sick, the weak, the poor... in fact he’d probably have appointed himself Minister for Health, not Edwin Poots.

Would he have chosen Finance? No. He chucked the money men right out of the temple. No Finance for Jesus.

What else would he have chosen? Probably Agriculture, he was a big fan of the fishermen. Education? Yeah, why not, he loved the teaching and the parables and the kids. He might have chosen Environment, but probably wouldn’t have put a climate change doubting Thomas in charge.

So there we go, totally different outcome.

Anything else? Yes, no Skodas. Ministerial donkeys.