What have Amanda Holden, Eamonn Wallie and Pippa Middleton done for the Irish language?

While other journalists flosculate on the minutia of the Queen and Barack McBama visiting Ireland, I have been reflecting on more important matters. Into inkwells that others fear to dip their quills, I relish the opportunity to dip my mind and pour forth my unique insights for your delectation.

Before I continue, I know that many of you do not have the cerebral aptitude to process my theses, but that’s okay, there is a place for you to go, a place where simple folk can express themselves, and where irrelevant issues can be discussed at great length. That place is Mick Fawlty’s blog. So take yourself over to Tugger O’Tool if my compelling analysis is too challenging for you.

Still here? Merveilleux! Je vais continuer mes camarades!

I have never been accessed to Amanda Holden, but I have seen her on television, and this is enough to tell me she has done a lot for the Irish language. When she appears on television, millions of people must instantly rush to change the channel. Statistically some people must therefore switch over to TG4, in a rush to find something, anything, else to watch. Consequently Amanda Holden is directly responsible for more people experiencing the Irish language.

Go raibh maith agat Amanda.

Incidentally, while UTV has some fine programs , I feel it would benefit from replacing Britain’s Got Talent with Wallie’s Got Art, a show where a judging panel featuring Me, the Duchess of York, and Paul Clark judge local artists painting pictures of Marc Mallett’s magnificent hair.

Now back to the Irish language discussion, and the next person on my list, me. I have known myself for several years, and having invented the local Twittersphere I have contributed enormously not only to the Irish language, but to the wider political discourse.

I often felt I was being viewed as a sort of ‘subversive’, but a little credit has to go to my great mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi. During a heated debate in the Oxford Union, Obi challenged me to invent the local Twittersphere. So I did. Many mocked me. Many laughed. Who’s laughing now Martina Purdy?

And finally to Pippa Middleton, who I have never met, although I feel like I have. She has done nothing for the Irish language. However, she did look super hot in that bridesmaid dress. I would definitely give her 100,000 welcomes.

Did Margaret Ritchie make right choice in getting fewer seats in the Assembly instead of more? The arguments.

Rarely have I seen such an opportunity for gossip as the sight of the deputy leader of the SdlP Patsy Mc Glone at Stormont last week. As I milled around the Great Hall hoping Jim Allister would cause trouble, Mc Glone crawled out from under the stairs, blubbering wildly, with tears gushing down his face.

My well honed journalistic instincts drew me towards him, as I could sense that something just wasn’t quite right. I adjusted my distinguished spectacles to look him in the eyes. He seemed a broken man, but as his eyes met mine, I inspired an inner strength in him, and he spoke to me.

“Eamonn,” he said, for that is my name, “Eamonn, it’s bad news, it’s worse news than when you accidentally leave a window open and the lough shore flies get in the house.”

I put my iPad 2 into my satchel and wiped a tear from his cheek, “Go on Patsy, let it all out, tell your uncle Eamonn”.

“Eamonn, it’s bad news, we’ve come back after the election with less seats than we had before the election.”  I knew instantly at this point I had an exclusive on my hands, and I glanced around feverishly to ensure Purdy wasn’t lurking around, before letting him continue.

“I mean, Eamonn, I had all these plans, I had planned we would come back after the election with more seats than before the election, not less seats. I thought with more seats we would make things better, maybe overtake the Ulster Unionists, maybe get another seat on the Executive, maybe have a real impact on the bread and butter issues. I honestly thought more seats was a good idea – but Margaret said no.”

“Margaret said that this was a Big Al policy, not one of hers, and she was in charge now. She said fewer seats was what she wanted.”

I looked at Mc Glone with both intrigue and sympathy. As I mused over this shift in policy, it became obvious I had helped him remove a great weight from his shoulders.

After a brief pause he spoke again, “And to be fair to her, she executed her plan very well.”

Drying his eyes, he said to me again, “Eamonn,” his spirits now uplifted after speaking to me, like a child getting an ice-cream after falling off a bike, “Eamonn, you’ll keep this to yourself won’t you?”

I gave him a peck on the forehead, ruffled his hair, and promised him I would.

I adjusted my secret recording microphone pensively as he skipped away from me down the corridor. I can only presume Miss Ritchie if she is honest with herself will deploy focus groups to test this novel policy in da cmoonty... and I’m sure she will find someone very trustworthy do so.

How would Jesus's apostles differ from Peter Robinson's DUP apostles if Jesus had to use d'Hondt?

This of course is a daft question. But not daft enough to stop me from answering it in considerable length.

The proposition is however wrong in its first assumption, Peter Robinson is not Jesus, that’s Ian Paisley. Peter is St Peter, taking over from Jesus. However since St Peter was the first Pope this new hypothesis now raises an important question: is the Pope catholic?

I will choose to ignore this substantial contradiction in my argument and move on to Jesus and d’Hondt ministers...

First choice, EASY! HEALTH! Jesus would not have been a massive scared chicken. Apart from that, his priorities were quiet clear – healing the sick was his modus operandi. He had more heals than Martina Anderson’s wardrobe. The sick, the weak, the poor... in fact he’d probably have appointed himself Minister for Health, not Edwin Poots.

Would he have chosen Finance? No. He chucked the money men right out of the temple. No Finance for Jesus.

What else would he have chosen? Probably Agriculture, he was a big fan of the fishermen. Education? Yeah, why not, he loved the teaching and the parables and the kids. He might have chosen Environment, but probably wouldn’t have put a climate change doubting Thomas in charge.

So there we go, totally different outcome.

Anything else? Yes, no Skodas. Ministerial donkeys.